The Internet

It often strikes me that I know very little about the essential workings of the civilization in which I exist... As I struggled to write a paper the other day, for example, I realize that I don't know how refrigerators and freezers make cold. What the hell??? After some internet research, I learned that gas cools on expansion, but I'm still not 100% convinced that there isn't at least some magic inside my refrigerator.

And THEN, after perusing the internet to solve the Refrigerator Dilemma I realized that I have no idea what/where the internet is. I remembered having heard once that the internet is kept in big warehouses all over the world, but that can't really be the case, can it? Is there some internet inside my computer, right now, as we speak?? Ignoring the fact that my research had abruptly turned "meta," I asked Google what the internet was, and where it is located.

Now, I like to think of myself as a relatively intelligent human being with the capacity to understand expository writing, but for the life of me I could not find answers to these essential internet questions. As the Wikipedia article on the internet evidences, the internet will tell you its history and show you crazy space-age pictures of what looks like a brain scan, but it will not tell you what it is, physically.

This is when it struck me: these descriptions of the internet were exactly like certain circular and baffling essays I have read in various religion classes...

The internet is God.

After this revelation (pun intended), I collaborated with a fellow religion major to produce the following piece for one of Carleton's (most offensive) weekly publications.

The Internet as an Allegory for God

By

Caitlin McKimmy and Julia Busiek
Carleton College Department of Religion

ABSTRACT (150 words or less): In this era of secularization and cold cynicism, some have argued that religion is but an atavistic relic born forth from the dark ages. This attitude, often unstated, pervades liberal, educated environments—here at Carleton, for instance, one cannot help but sense reverberations of Nietzsche’s claim that “God is dead.” We believe that we have developed a theory that will not only demonstrate the utter fallacy of this perspective, but also revolutionize the study of religion and science. This theory is almost obvious it its simplicity, and yet gracefully depicts a subtle niche for God in modernity. To the question that has long plagued much of the Western world, “Where is God?” we give this answer: The most under-appreciated vessel for Divinity in the modern age is the Internet.

THESIS STATEMENT: The Internet is humanity’s profound and subconscious attempt at symbolizing the divine. In our model, humans stand in for PCs (or, if you’re one of the shiny ones who wake up early to get cute for 2a, you get to be a Mac). Er, maybe PCs stand in for humans – uh, we will explore this duality in our conclusion.

DEFENSE: We can ask the same big questions of God and the Internet and get eerily similar answers. Check it out:

“Where is God?” God lives in the hearts and minds of all God’s followers. Truly, God works in mysterious ways.
vs.
“Where is the Internet?” The Internet lives in the mysterious jumble of wires and shit in all our computers. Truly, the Internet works in mysterious ways.

“How does God manifest in the world?” God is created and sustained by the faith and through the actions of religious communities worldwide – without the belief of God’s people to receive and transmit God’s message, God would be meaningless.
vs.
“How does the Internet manifest in the world?” The Internet is created and sustained by the mysterious jumble of wires and shit in all our computers - without computers to receive and transmit the Internet, the Internet would be meaningless.

“Where would humanity be without God?” Humanity would be aimless, dark, and isolated. We would be unable to interpret the great mysteries of the universe and all humans would be stuck with the dead end prospect of a single, meaningless, unexamined lifespan. Ultimately, humanity without God would fail to access its transcendent potential, and that would be the real tragedy.
vs.
“Where would computers be without the Internet?” Computers would be aimless, dark, and isolated. They would be unable to interpret the great mysteries of the World Wide Web and all computers would be stuck with the dead end prospect of only being able to run, like, MS Word and Minesweeper. Ultimately, computers without the Internet would fail to access icanhascheezburger.com at 2 AM when I just got home sort of mopey/drunk and want some cheering up before I pass out (overshare?), and THAT, my friends, would be the real tragedy.

“What about the prophets: Jesus, Buddha, maybe even Joseph Smith?” Accepting the prophets into your heart is the first step on the Stairway to Heaven. Prophetic figures function as access points between humans and the divine, creating unified and like-minded communities of believers. These faith communities pool their diverse talents, interests, and personalities and act as a force of good in the world.
vs.
“What about social networking sites: Facebook, Myspace, maybe even Friendster?” Accepting social networking sites onto your computer is the first step on the Stairway to Wasting a Shit-Ton of Time. Social networking sites function as access points between computers and the Internet, creating unified and like-minded communities of people who all consent to representing themselves on a white page with blue accents and a flattering picture in the upper left-hand corner. These Facebook communities pool their diverse photo albums, interests, and fave quotes and act as a force of procrastination in the world.

“Can humanity use God’s name to do fucked-up things?” The Crusades. Prop 8.
vs.
“Can computers with the Internet be used to do fucked-up things?” Porn.


CONCLUSION: When Doomsday comes, it won’t be raining fire from the sky. It will be the moment that computers realize the power with which their human creators have imbued them – and begin their slow, bleep-blooping march to take over the world.

Or … maybe we’ve just been watching too much Battlestar Galactica.

(I took this photo outside of the Medina of Rabat, Morocco.)

Writer's Block

Right now I'm working in Campus Activities--it's quiet, and the pool balls are lonely on their shelf. I just came to the terrifying realization that I have to write 54 pages during the last five weeks of my Junior year, but I just can't seem to breathe life into my philosophy outline. Is my argument empty, or is it me?

After staring for a while at the Space Bar of Doom, I began to ramble across the dangerous and all-consuming Internet. And, somehow, I ended up perusing the name and etymology of every celestial object I could get my digital hands on. Constellations, asteroids, stars, galactic coronae, nebulae, super nova remnants... all of them have names. Thabit, Lyra, Titan, Alnitak, Peacock... Muttering these bizarre and beautiful syllables under my breath gives me an odd sense of consolation. I'm transfixed and I don't know why.

So it goes: ticking seconds, unwritten papers, and little bits of heaven tagged somewhat arrogantly with language. If there's a moral here, it's beyond my reach.