11.16.2011

A different perspective:


...TICKTOCKTICKTOCKTICKTOCKTICK...

That constant heartbeat of a noise, like an unending polka danced by an obese woman in stilettos, had been pounding rhythmically ever since anyone could remember. Even though each beat created a minor aftershock in the clan's wall space, it faded into the background, an unquestionable element of life. Like ear mites.

Unquestionable, that is, until Simon stuck his whiskers where no mouse should tread. 

"Dad," he squeaked on an otherwise routine Tuesday, "what is that sound? Do our walls breathe?"

Monohan Mouse, Simon's distinguished father, regarded his son condescendingly. "Don't be silly," he said with a nervous twitch of his tail, "our walls are inert, nothing more than a delineation of our world. You mustn't think of such things."

Had Simon possessed any sort of sense, he would have left the matter at that and continued along the well-oiled family tradition of caution and prodigious replication. He had always displayed a perilous propensity for pondering, however, and we all know that young mice lack sense.

As a result, that previously inoffensive Tuesday raised it's fists for combat and prepared to go down in history. Simon (that little rascal) disregarded his father's sage advice and got ready to Leave. 
Vamoose. 
Pry at the Gaps. 
Escape.

...TICKTOCKTICKTOCKTICKTOCKTICK...

Simon's ears quivered as they searched for the source of the cadence that had heretofore defined his existence. It somehow seemed to come from all directions at once. Well, he told himself, I have no choice--he would have to violate every moray of mouse-hood. With that thought, the errant son attacked the wall tooth and nail. His fellow rodents barely had time to gape in horror before the tip of his tail slithered through a gnawed perforation in the the wall. 

"He's a goner," rasped cousin Edna. 

Simon was a world away from his petrified family, however. He emerged into glaring light that poured down from an impossible height. The light glinted off of an equally expansive floor. Simon would have been faced with an uncontrollable urge to zoom a zamboni across that gleaming surface, had he known what a zamboni was. Instead, his heart caught wordlessly in his throat. What was this blinding place of forever dimensions? For the second time in a single Tuesday, Simon confronted just one option. The little mouse made his reluctant way across the foreign ground, the click of his nails producing an dissonant echo.

...TICKTOCKTICKTOCKTICKTOCKTICK...

It was getting louder. Simon's exhilaration blended with the sobering realization that, for the first time in his life, he was alone. Just as his doubts were beginning to put a stutter in his gait, he saw It:

It was like nothing he had ever seen before. It towered almost to the limits of his vision. Its wooden sides reflected the glimmering mist of the forest from whence the cleft wood came. Simon did not know what a forest was. Its glass doors contained an entity that seemed to dance with Its rhythm. Simon could not discern its true shape. Its face... Simon couldn't see its face.

...TICKTOCK...

The mouse ran up the clock.

11.14.2011

La La Land

So I made an interesting discovery about two days ago: one of my graduate school applications is due in just four weeks--an entire month earlier than I had planned. Eeep. I needed to rapidly come to terms with several highly stressful states of affairs, given that I really want to enroll in a master's degree program starting next fall. Unquestionably, the largest source of my newfound stress was the GRE (the "Graduate Record Examination" is pretty much the grad school equivalent of the SAT). After a frantic and barely-intelligible conversation with an outsourced exam scheduler in India, I discerned that the only way for me to take this exam in time for my deadline was to have it proctored to me in Portland, today. So I forked over the $160 registration fee, and came to Portland.

Let me just say now that I think the GRE is a manifestation of everything that is wrong with the educational system. In fact, I will claim that the GRE is evil. I hate that I have to take this test; I hate that the schools I am interested in require me to take it. But. My conviction that I can carve a path for myself studying The Questions That Matter made me swallow my pride and submit myself to the exam. I entered a room full of computers and artificial light, donned the yellow noise-canceling headphones, and clicked and typed my way through four hours of bullshit.

I bought The Princeton Review's Cracking the GRE to help me study for this test. The authors have a hilarious, sardonic take on standardized testing: "If you find yourself in the math section with a half a page full of calculations and no answer, you are in La La Land," the Princeton Review told me. It then gave me a neatly bullet-pointed list of tips on how to escape from La La Land. And, indeed, there was a moment today today when I was wandering a quagmire of calculations, and I was like, "Oh no! Caitlin! You are in La La Land!" I forgot the bullet-pointed list, and laughed out loud at the hilarity and hopelessness of La La Land. Then the test proctor came in and told me not to disrupt the testing studio. It was great.

But really, I survived. I actually finished the exam 45 minutes early, walked out of the Computer Lab of Exam Doom into an invigorating autumn downpour, and heaved a sigh of relief. Now I'm rocking gently on the train back to Eugene... Take that, Mr. Man--I can take your tests, and they do not daunt me. I may not get the best score in the world, and I may spend a portion of my life floating in different dimensions of La La Land, but I'm going to try with everything I've got to figure out this "Grad School" thing.

11.08.2011

Employment

Since I've been back in Eugene, I've have to confront the inevitable fact that I need to find a job. It's really been fascinating a experience, given that I've spent the past five years of my life using every single resource I possess to evade the so-called real world. And by "fascinating," of course, I mean "ego-shattering." Getting a job necessarily means that I will be rejected again and again--probably upwards of millions of times in this economy--before I succeed. And I have not yet succeeded. I sent an e-mail to eight professors at the university asking if they needed research assistance, and six of them politely rejected me in just one hour. Two responses to my inquiries have been scams, and I will never forget how blatantly dismissive a manager of a café became when I told her that I didn't have any experience as a barista. Even worse, perhaps, is the silence. I've spent a fair amount of time in the past couple of weeks wondering what will become of the resumés that I have dropped off at local businesses. Will they slowly rot in forgotten drawers alongside the resumés of a thousand other job hopefuls? Do managers and business owners crumple their innumerable useless resumés with a wry chuckle? Maybe their laughter is maniacal. Maybe they actually eat the resumés.

There was a low point today, after I picked up a job application at community credit union. Everything felt bleak--not only was I considering working directly for the Man who fabricates the illusion we call "money," but I also needed to buy a watch. (My watch broke a few weeks ago, and I had taken it as a sign that I was free of linear time... but now it's become apparent that I actually need one to keep appointments and such things.) So I was marketing myself to a bank, I was shackling myself into time, and it was also starting to pour so that the ink ran on my warped resumé. Bleak indeed.

But then, when I started the engine of my car, this is what was coming out of the radio:

"Music is on the radio – I notice that as I listen, I think of my mistakes, ill words, wasted time, and the next note I think of who I love and who I hate and the success I've had at both and of my tomorrow's chances. And I feel like a singing god riding on a cloud snapping my fingers and ruling a universe."

Pete Seeger spoke with deep reassurance as he strummed his banjo, and I remembered that I love the rain. I remembered that I chose to come back to Eugene because this place is my home. I am not trapped--even in this conventional urban 'wasteland' there is music; an intensity of the human spirit that makes my skin crawl. Here there a long conversations over coffee, mountains, community, and my family. I am always free, wherever I am. 

Maybe I can face the job market tomorrow. Reject me, I dare you.